I will never understand what makes hating a follower of another Religion so Christian. I think myself a Christian. My relationship with God is a little rocky at times. I struggle with needing to understand rather than follow blindly. I have not read the Bible. I consider it to be a book, like any other book, with stories which have morals to be taught. I do not worship it or quote it against others as a weapon. It's a guideline, much like my own instincts or ethics. Regardless of these two very conflicting things, I do believe myself to be a decent human being, and I have a relationship with God. I do not, however, like having to classify myself as a Christian. In the mind's eye, Christianity is like being better. Much like us Americans, the majority of Christians that I have met consider themselves to be better than other believers. I don't understand that. We are all here to find purpose and live the best life we know how. What does it matter which church I walk into on Sunday? Am I not seeking the same thing you are? I feel like people, having been given the freedom they posses, think they have the right to hatred. It's wrong. No matter what religion you practice, there is none that teaches you to hate. That comes from within.
Recently I decided to panic over a couple of non-important things.
Thing 1 - My boyfriend (of 23) has financial issues: Why did I panic over this you ask? Well, it has been drilled into my very impressionable head since I was small that money mattered a lot AND it was told to me, when I grew a little older, to never date anyone I couldn't see myself with in five years or more. Needless to say, I've had some small crises about being with someone who doesn't want to go to college: I saw them as never having a future. Although, in hindsight, I see now that things can change so drastically so quickly, I probably made some poor judgments based on those two, very insignificant things for someone my age or younger. We have our whole lives ahead of us! Why am I bothered by the bump that lies in his path which he must find a way over? Here I am almost in tears planned a grim financial future, when there's nothing to plan yet, we've only been together for a few months. I have this horrible judgmental side. I try to think that I don't, but really, there's no hiding it. In my brain's eye, if you don't have stable finances and you're my age or older, then I don't see you on my level. It's really unfair because I know that I have only gotten to where I am because someone held steps under my feet until I reached this point. I am just now able to live on my own and support myself. (I'm 22.) So, I have decided to let this go. There is more to our relationship (and future) than money.
Thing 2 - Moving into my own house: As of right now I rent a room from a nice Hindu lady (whom I got hired on at my work). It's a large house with a big yard and it's very close to my work but off the beaten path so that there isn't traffic or anything bothersome. There are a few annoying things about living here, like I can't open my windows due to no screens and the lady I rent from is very ... needy? She likes to butt into my privacy without permission and she does things for me which are unnecessary and sometimes nerve-racking. She has nothing but good intentions, she just gets in my space. Other than that, things here are wonderful. Recently I have become too complacent with my life. I needed a change before I would go crazy. I started back to school and though that was a change, it appears to be a negative one so far. I am not doing well. I blame it on everything under the son, however, one of the things I blame it on is that I do not have enough space in my room for a desk. I keep telling myself that if I had a desk, I would focus more; I could train myself to focus better if I was in a school-type setting. I happen to have a friend whose father-in-law rents a few houses. I asked him if he had any available, and there is one, not far from my work, much closer to my boyfriend's house. I was so excited! He said it wouldn't be too expensive and so I called his father-in-law to see about the house. Turns out, it is expensive. I can't afford it. Here I am, staring at my budget, trying to make this unnecessary move possible. I was cooking dinner when I realized that I didn't need to move. Look at where I am now: I am comfortable, it's not too expensive, it's a great location in proximity to the mall and work and a little of a drive to my boyfriend's, but worth it over all. I have decided to let moving out go as well.
In OTHER news:
As I have stated above, school is not going well. I have dropped one course and I am failing another. I am submitting paperwork to have an Incomplete grade (which I have never needing in all my years of being a student.) and I am feeling a bit defeated about it. I know damn well it's my own fault that I'm barely floating in this boat. I had no drive, motivation, or focus. I need to get my act together. I am afraid that over the summer break, I will lose what little drive I have left and have to start all over trying to get back into this school mindset. I'm going to read this book that I purchased for my class from front to back this summer. (And some other books too.) Hopefully I can get my brain back into studying.
I am getting more fish! I have decided that since I can't have domestic pets, I will have aquatic ones! I got a free fish tank from my aunt, and I will begin researching compatible fish types soon. :)
I guess it's been quite some time since I've posted on here. I've been pretty happy and I realized that I only used to post when I was upset or complaining. I have no real complaints right now. SHOCKING. I've been very happy with the way my life is; it took me some time, but I'm finally getting to appreciate all the hardships I've stuck myself in over the past couple of years.
Some updates: Dropped a class in school because I was over stressing myself. Having been out of school for so long I was not mentally prepared to go back yet. I will take it one class at a time until I get my head back in the game. I am moving to first shift in May. I have received a nice pay raise and have seen a substantial increase in my paycheck size. David and I are very happy. :) I am playing more and more MTG. (Which also means buying more and more MTG.) I updated my room decor. The color scheme is now brown, teal and off-white. I'm looking into a smoothie diet as I have recently become very aware of my weight. (I have to dress nicer for work once I move to first shift as I will be interfacing with the clients more and more, and clothes shopping is not a self-esteem booster.)
Work: One member of my team lost his position as of today. It was no one's fault but his own, although it will make my life pretty awkward because it's B's cousin, and I still have to drive B to work. They are a little bitter about it. I lost my lead to first shift, tonight I begin training her replacement. I am very confident that the girl who is replacing her will fill the role well. I have applied for the supervisor positions. The interviews should start the end of this week or next week, so I'm going to be nervous until then. If I don't get one, it'll be okay, but if I do, things will be changing for me in a good way, so I'm excited. Home: I spent some time yesterday with David's family. His older sister and I did our nails and then his mom and little sister were there. I feel so welcome around his family. They like me. I wish my step-dad wasn't being so weird about David. Here's what we did to our nails:
School: I should be getting back about $650 every two months as my refund. I picked out a desk and chair from Ikea: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/80073182/ & http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/40180042/ (I will get the white chair though.) I start classes on April first, so I have one month left before I have to start focusing. :)
So... Work is going extremely well. I have many opportunities coming to me soon; there are two supervisor positions I'm going to apply for and another Coordinator position that I'm considering applying for. My boss has taken a great interest in developing and polishing my supervisory and logistical skills. I am being supported by most of the upper management and getting great reviews from everyone I've worked with. I have rejoined the newsletter team as some kind of lead designer, and I am getting loads of overtime for that. I have officially filled out the Coordinator role and am no longer working aside the employees, but supervising them. Life is great at work.
I have been trying really hard to get back into school. I have been accepted into the CSU - Global Campus' B.S. for Business Management degree program. I am set to start with that on April first, if my financial kinks get worked out. So that's good I guess.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, David, who is very supportive and has a bright future ahead of him. It hasn't been that long, but I'm very happy with the way things are with us. I think I've finally conquered my need for knowing the future RIGHT NOW, and I am embracing the present. I have finally learned how to be happy with just seeing how things go.
In general, my life is wonderful. I don't really have any complaints right now. Even if I don't end up back in school in April, I am financially stable with a career that can only advance from here.
I have regained my love of MTG and have been building my card collection exponentially over the past two months. (With David's help.)
I have even been waking up early enough to have productivity every day despite my late hours at night. What more can I say? I'm just plain HAPPY. :)